Like many of you, I love football. I have been known to slink down into my basement man cave on Saturday morning and fritter away an entire weekend watching games, cracking the upstairs door open Monday morning and squinting at the daylight, wondering if the world outside of football still exists.
Grass needs to be mowed? Trash to be taken out? Garage is on fire? Kids missing? Whatever. It can wait. Nowhere State is about to kick off against Applefart Tech and I must watch.
There is just one downside to watching football. It is the only time that I lose control of my language. It happens when I watch my team, the Green Bay Packers. Don’t get me wrong, I abhor profanity. Aside from the obvious spiritual violation (taking God’s name in vain), it also displays a basic lack of discipline, class and maturity. Which is why I am so disappointed in myself when these things come out of my mouth when things are not going well for my team.
So this is the year. I’m going to do it. I’m going to stop swearing at football. Whatever it takes. I’m putting a jar next to the TV, and every time something profane comes out of my mouth, I’m putting a dollar bill into the jar…..no….a five dollar bill…..aw, let’s make it really hurt…a ten! At the end of the year, any money will either be donated to my church or my beach trip. (We’ll see how the season goes.)
But wait a minute……before I commit to this, I need your help to establish the ground rules. What exactly is a swear word? If I spit out substitute words like Bullfeathers! Cockroach! God Bless America! Fussbucket! Is that still swearing? Is it the intent that counts or the actual words?
When my running back fumbles the ball on the one yard line just before going in for the winning score, can I spring off my sofa and scream “You good-for-nothing worthless piece of bloated protoplasm”?
Nothing wrong with those words, but part of me feels I would still be guilty of Profanity in the second degree. Intent to swear. Like those tabloid TV programs where they bleep out the bad word but you can clearly read their lips and know what they were saying.
There’s not much time. Football season is almost upon us. So help me out here. Leave a comment and tell me if you think substitute words take me off the hook.
What the heck are you waiting for?
Well I have been known to say a few of these words myself. I just said one the other day when I dropped a jar on my toe and it is now black and blue and hurts like heck! Out came my go to word! haha.
On one hand I believe you should put a $10 in the jar when the real bad word comes out! On the other hand you should put $10 in even for the substitute word because you are still thinking of the bad word. I can’t wait to read how much is or is not in the jar at the end of the season.
Pennie….it might be enough to buy my own football team!
I’d pay to come watch a Packers game with you just to hear you scream “You good-for-nothing worthless piece of bloated protoplasm.”
No you wouldn’t. It’s not a pretty sight.
You are totally off the hook if you substitute a common word for a cuss word…but if you’re in the man cave and you cuss will anyone hear it? You know like if tree falls in the forest….
That’s deep Brent. I’ll have to contemplate that one. 🙂
At one of my previous jobs, my leaderman got saved and started a trend that may continue to this day (I know it was still going on when I left in ’02). Every time the urge would hit him, instead of yelling a “traditional” curse word (cuss word for y’all country folk) he would yell FLANAGANS!!! We thought it was funny, but out of respect for him, people started saying that instead of cursing/cussin’ around him, and it caught on and you would hear it all over the depot after a while. That being said, I don’t know if that made it alright, but it WAS different.
Ken…sometimes different is better.
I guess I’d have to ask the question, why is the football game so “dad gummed” important in the first place? Oops! Guess I just exposed myself to the same quandary! HMMMM!
Ha! Bob, I will expect your contribution to the jar immediately.
My heart of course. Wait…..is this a trick question?
My go-to expletive is “Fruitcake!” My mother (who was a saint) forbade us to say heck or darn, she said that was a substitute for the real words. My dad, (who was definitely no saint), was a huge Packers & UA fan. We hung a picture over the hole in the Sheetrock during one especially tight game, I think it was Alabama v Notre Dame. If he’d had a jar we could’ve moved from Huffman to Beverly Hills?
LOL! I knew I was getting bad when my family stopped watching games with me.
Brenda, I can relate to that.
Thanks Ken for the chuckles……Looking forward for the next ramblings insight……I can relate my brother……Is Karen Lynn still trimming your flowing locks?
Karen moved to Georgia. How inconsiderate of her! Thanks for reading the blog.