HOW TO BE A GRANDPARENT: SPANKING

Welcome friends to another edition of How To Be A Grandparent. I offer this series of posts as a public service, and also because my therapist recommends it. I base my expertise on the fact that I watched an entire episode on this topic on Dr. Phil. I have learned many insights, and some day may actually make use of them.

Today’s subject is spanking. If you debated whether to spank your own children, chances are you will have an even greater debate when it comes to your grandkids. After all, they are not YOUR children. Then again, they are often in YOUR care, dismantling YOUR keepsakes, and drawing stick men on YOUR bedroom walls with permanent marker.

At this point we need to define what is meant by the term “spank”. We are referring here to one stroke to the backside. This should not be confused with multiple strokes, usually referred to as a “butt whuppin”, “tanning your hide”, or the popular term from my childhood “being taken to the woodshed”. This method is not recommended, as your grandkids will get revenge when they are old enough to post about you on social media (usually about age three).

Since you only get one swipe at this, you must use this tactic judiciously and creatively. The following options are the most common:

The Warning Spank: This consists of giving a stern verbal warning to stop the behavior in question, followed by a very light tap on the rump. The goal is to get across the idea that the next one coming will be harder and more intense. This option doesn’t work well on kids still in diapers as they probably don’t even feel it.

The Countdown Spank: Very popular among parents, this method is growing in popularity among grandparents as well. You simply state to the child that if he doesn’t stop misbehaving by the time you get to 1, a spank is coming. Then you start counting backwards from five, getting louder with each number. The downside to this option is children often choose to roll the dice and call your bluff, forcing you to break down into fractions when you get to 2, or start at a higher number, like 25.

The Designated Spanker: One of the grandparents, usually the one who is not present at the moment, is designated as the enforcer, as in “if you don’t stop now, grandpa is going to spank you when you get home.” Unfortunately, most young children really have no sense of how long that will be and quickly lose the fear of it. Not to mention grandpa gets tired of his grandkids treating him like Darth Vader and hiding in the closet when he actually does get home.

The Misdirection Spank: This consists of warning the child they had better stop or they are going to get “one of these”. Whereupon you smack an object close to them, like an end table or a piece of furniture as hard as you can. Side effects of this method include injuries to small sensitive bones in the hand and fingers.

The Phantom Spank: This is similar to the Warning Spank, except you make sure the child sees you winding up and swinging forward with full force, only to stop just short of the target. The idea being the child will feel as though she has gotten a reprieve from God and will not risk that sort of misbehavior again. The life span of effectiveness of this technique is not long so it helps to put on your best “mad grandma” face and say things that are not true, such as “this will hurt me more than it does you”.

There are several other options to try but this should suffice for now. Try one or all of them the next time your little goombah gets into the pantry and empties an entire package of flour on your new sofa. One of them is sure to work, and if it does, please let me know.

Please.