AS SOUTHERN AS YOU CAN GET

Key West, Florida….Land of history, palm trees, adventure, seafood and Jimmy Buffett. So when Sharon and I got an invitation to vacation there with my brother Bob and sister-in-law Debbie we said “yes please”!

We left by car from Port St. Lucie where they live. Debbie pulled out a map of the keys and the first thing I learned is how many there actually are. Okay, geography has never been my strong suit but I could have sworn there were only, like, six or seven. I was stunned to find there are over 1,700! Fortunately you don’t have to drive through all of them to get to the southern most point, Key West itself.

We decided to stay one day at Key Largo. I knew exactly two things about this place: The 1948 Humphrey Bogart movie of the same name, and the song from the early 80’s. (Bonus points if you can name the guy who sang the song. I had no idea until I googled it.) We stayed at a small coastal villa called The Seafarer. You quickly learn that nothing in the Keys is cheap. We paid well over $200 for a room just big enough to hold two suitcases and a can of sun block.(travel size) The proprietor, who actually bared a resemblance to Jimmy Buffett (in fact if you don’t resemble Buffett they don’t let you live there) pointed out the small TV mounted on the wall adding “I hope you never have to turn it on”. It was his way of saying spend your time on their private beach, which really was quite charming with a breath taking view of the bay, crystal clear water, free beach chairs, umbrellas and kayaks, and a gaggle of pelicans who may or may not enjoy your company. I never could tell.

The next morning, after a complimentary breakfast of egg frittatas,(did I spell that right?) we forged the trail back onto U.S Highway One for the two hour journey to Key West. We crossed countless bridges, one of which spanned 6.8 miles. They call it Seven Mile Bridge, probably because Six Point Eight Mile Bridge just doesn’t sound as impressive. With the Atlantic Ocean on one side, and the Gulf on the other, the water views were spectacular. Some of the bridges had parallel pedestrian bridges for jogging, fishing, biking and picture taking. Just don’t lean too far over the railing to frame that perfect camera shot.

Arriving on Key West, we settled into our condo and mapped out our strategy. We found a narrated trolley tour of the island that runs all day. The tour makes 13 stops. For $37 you can hop on and off all you like. The smart move is to begin by staying on through all 13 stops, seeing what’s out there, and then deciding where to jump off on the second cycle. The drivers/narrators will regale you with interesting stories and information about the island, although later research revealed some of their impressive statistics were of questionable accuracy. But why ruin a good story with facts, right?
By the way, don’t get too loud on the trolley with your own conversations. On one of our rides two ladies were conversing and giggling to the point it was getting hard to hear the narrator.
Suddenly the driver broke his congenial tone and uttered gruffly “Excuse me ladies. Would you like to take over the narration?” The ladies cowered down into their seats like two school girls caught chewing gum in the classroom. Not another peep out of them. Whereupon the driver shifted back into his smiling tour host mode and resumed his speech. Note to self: Don’t mess with the tour guide.

Among other things, we learned that the word “conch” as in conch shell, is pronounced “conk”. If you say “conch” with a “ch” sound, the locals will laugh and point at you, and serve you weak sweet tea.

We wound up getting off the trolley to see the aquarium, the shipwreck museum, and Duval Street, which is the main drag, home of endless bars, restaurants, bars, souvenir shops, bars and bike rentals. All were unique and charming in their own way. But unless you have access to Jimmy Buffett’s checking account, you probably can’t afford to see everything. So we passed by things like Hemingway’s mansion, the Tennessee Williams exhibit, the turtle museum, the Railway museum…..you get the idea…lots of museums. Key West is very big on museums.

We also passed on the various cruises, snorkeling and diving expeditions of which there are many. Although while spending one day at the beach, I did swim out to one of the reefs and parked myself on a large rock to enjoy the scenery. When I glanced up, I noticed a huge pelican (they seem more sinister at close range) about five feet above me staring down with a look as if to say “You wouldn’t by chance be here to steal any of my fish would you?” I decided getting into a staring contest would not be in my best interest, so I swam back to shore. When we were leaving the beach, I noticed a large sign for snorkelers with pictures on it titled “Things you may see”. On it were pictures of sharks, sting rays and moray eels! Don’t guess I’ll be revisiting that reef. The pelican’s fish are safe from me.

Along the way we ate at places like the Bayside Cafe (sunset view that looks more like a painting), the Conch Republic (I made sure I pronounced it right), and the Banana Cafe where they serve a flourless chocolate cake with ice cream to die for. This is also where a friendly waitress with a heavy French accent took a look at my brother and me and exclaimed “I can tell you are father and son.” We are still debating over which one she thought was the father.

We sat at a table on the pier at a place called “The Stoned Crab”. Someone a few tables away ordered lobster. Little did we know the live lobster tank was submerged right next to us. The chef came out with a long pole having a loop on the end and began trying to scoop the largest lobster I had ever seen. But this crustacean had no intention of being on somebody’s dinner plate and escaped the loop time after time. As we watched with great interest I found myself pulling for the lobster…alas we all know how this story ends.

The funniest (or saddest) event of the trip happened when we decided to stand in a long line to get the one obligatory photo that everyone visiting Key West must get. That of course is the landmark indicating you are at the southernmost point in the contiguous United States. Our photo appears at the top of this post. It doesn’t matter when you get there, there is always a crowd. Under the hot setting sun, we inched our way up toward the famous monument surrounded by a throng of like-minded tourists equally annoyed at the long wait. After an hour we were about ten people away when a young couple arrived at the marker. Suddenly the man dropped to his knees, produced an engagement ring, and proposed to the girl.

Now normally this would result in a collective “Awww” from observers followed by applause and congratulations. Not this time. There was nothing but uncomfortable silence, toe tapping and restless impatience. At perhaps the biggest moment of their young lives, the two lovers obviously felt the tension, quickly took their photo, and slinked off. Tough crowd. So much for romance.

After three restful and entertaining days on the island we headed home. If you haven’t been there, Key West should be on your bucket list. Don’t go there pinching pennies. Expect to spend a good bit. But experiencing the culture and history is worth the spree.

Even if you don’t look like Jimmy Buffett.