Tag: Featured

“It’s not being a grandfather that bothers me.  It’s the idea that every night I sleep with somebody’s grandmother.”

That was my dad’s favorite line.  He would say it every time he saw my kids.  Sadly, he passed away before he got to say it very often.

I waited 64 years to be a grandfather.  It finally happened on August 7th, 2015.  But my beautiful little granddaughter was barely in my arms for the first time when I got the instruction from my daughter:

“Dad, you need to have a nickname.”

“A nickname?  What do you mean?”

“You know….a grampa name!”

Now, this is a tradition that seems to be uniquely Southern.  I spent the first 27 years of my life in Wisconsin, and I swear I don’t remember grampas having grampa names up there.  I know I didn’t have one for my grampas.  I called them grampa.

But there was no room for negotiation on this.  My daughter insisted.  She suggested a few examples:  “How about paw-paw?  Or pee-paw?”

Really?  Is this what grandfatherhood has come to?  I have to be known to my grandchild as something that sounds like a gastrointestinal problem?  Pee-paw?  Pee-poo?  Pee-pee?

No, I would come up with something better, classier.  I suggested things like Stud Muffin, Gray Fox, The Grampinator.  All were rejected by my daughter almost before they came out of my mouth.  Probably for the best in retrospect.

I agonized over this for weeks.  After all, this is how my grandchild would identify me for life!  My life and hers!  Sixty years from now I don’t want her bouncing her own grandchildren on her knee and telling amusing stories about her “Poo-pop”.

So after much consideration and wretching of hands,  I decided on K-Pa, borrowing from the first letter of my first name.  K-Pa…..it felt unique, distinctive, not totally embarrassing, and didn’t seem to include any bathroom function.  My daughter liked it, and so it is.  I am forever K-Pa. Never mind that my granddaughter won’t be able to pronounce it until she’s about six.  It’s my grampa name.  I’m okay with it.

I know there are more grampa names out there, and I would love to read your favorites.  Also your least favorites.  So click on the comments link and post them.

And for those of you yet to become a grandparent, you might want to start thinking about this now……. lest you go down in eternity as a stomach disorder.

We need to see a bigger picture.  Our focus during this turbulent time is narrowed by the scope of the news headlines.  These events are real and unspeakable.  But they are not the whole story.  Not by a long shot.   Not even the biggest part of it.

A white policeman uses undue force to unjustifiably shoot and kill a black victim.  But that’s not who white policemen are.  A black man filled with hate murders five white policemen, but that’s not who black people are.

More than ever, we need perspective.  In our mind we need to see millions of black men and women working so hard to provide for their families and raising their children to be God-fearing, law abiding citizens.  We need to see thousands of courageous, professional, moral policemen protecting the black community from harm every day at the risk of their own lives.  We need to envision millions of people of all colors functioning together in the workplace, supporting each other as a team every day.  We need to see into thousands of bi-racial churches where those of any race lift up the same God and try to be the face of Jesus to each other, regardless of what they look like.

These events are also real.  Every day.  That’s the perspective we need to hold on to.  That’s how we will make this better.  Marches in the streets?  Okay, but do they really make a difference?  All too often they actually serve to spawn more violence.

Black lives matter.  Blue lives matter.  I refuse to pick a color.  I refuse to let the escalation of the rhetoric force me to choose a side.  I choose love.  I choose not to fear those who do not look like me, and to act in such a way that they don’t have to fear me.  If we get that simple thing done, there will be no need for marches.  This needs to get done, live, in person, one on one every day…..

……and that will require the right perspective.

So recently I was riding in the back seat of an SUV with my son-in-law  driving, my daughter in the front seat,  and Sharon and me in the back with the baby.  We were cruising through a busy mall parking lot, looking for a place to pull in, when a fortyish man crossed our path on foot.

“Look”, my son-in-law exclaimed to my daughter,  “He’s wearing jorts!”  Whereupon they both burst into laughter.   I immediately cast my eyes downward toward my lap…and there they were….right below my burgeoning belly.  I was wearing jorts.  “Uh-oh”, I blurted out.  “I’m wearing them too.”  More laughter, followed by the revelation from my daughter that jorts have been hopelessly out of style for years.

No way, I thought.  So I began to study every other man walking around the mall.  All were wearing shorts.  But no jorts.  Zero.  Zip.  Zilch.  Nada.  Not a single pair.  Most wore sporting those preppy looking cargo-type shorts.

Still incredulous, I went on the internet to consult my bible of coolness and fashion trend:  the urban dictionary.  I typed in the word “jorts”.  Here’s what it said:

“Jean shorts.  Worn mostly by children…jorts are perhaps the easiest way to recognize people you will not like.   If you wear jorts, you probably don’t talk to girls”.

When did this happen?  I wear mine all the time…..all…the…..time.

That’s when it hit me.  I am displaying the first symptom of being a senior:  Losing track of the mainstream….falling out of style…becoming,  dare I say it, Unhip.

This is usually followed by the second symptom:  Not caring.  When I got home I took a look at myself in a full length mirror.  I couldn’t help but notice my glasses were the frameless Ben Franklin style.  Very stylish…..ten years ago.  I was wearing gym socks, not the little anklets.  Yes, I could no longer deny it.  I was decidedly Unhip.  (I also use the word “hip” alot.  Also very unhip)

It’s too late for me.  But as a public service to you, I offer the following brief quiz to test your degree of hipicity.   Try to answer each question the way an in-style, trendy, person of today would respond.  Ready?  Here we go:

The name of Justin Timberlake’s hot new song is:

A.  Tearin’ Up My Heart

B.  Bye,  Bye, Bye

C.  Can’t Stop the Feeling

D.  Wait…..you mean he’s not with NSYNC anymore?

 

Wearing white socks with sandals is:

A.  A popular new street trend

B.  A comfortable way to walk your dog in the morning

C.  the reason your children refuse to be seen with you in public

 

Beyonce is currently married to:

A.  Jay Z

B.  Zee Jay

C.  Ex Why Zee

 

The current cool way of wearing a ball cap is:

A.  backwards

B.  sideways

C.  with the price tag still dangling

D.  pulled down over your eyes so you can’t see people staring at        your jorts

 

Wallpaper with teapots on it is:

A.  currently trendy in new homes

B.  only found in the restrooms of Chinese restaurants

C.  likely to send your real estate agent screaming out the front door

 

The current style of lapels on a man’s suitcoat is:

A.  wide

B.  narrow

C.  it doesn’t matter.  I’m wearing what’s in my closet

D.  so I guess my leisure suit is out of the question?

 

Drake is:

A.  A pop singer currently dating Rihanna

B.  a male duck

C.  a college in Iowa

D.  …….are you sure Justin Timberlake is no longer with NSYNC?

 

For the correct answers, consult any young adult.  If you would like to share your thoughts and stories of the loss of your hipnology,  please comment.  My misery would love company.