Month: July 2019

Ah, summer in Alabama….the temperature is hot, the kids are out of school, vacation time is available, and you are ready to break out of that daily work routine. If you listen oh so carefully, you will hear it….the rolling of the waves, the gentle screech of the seagull, the burp of the guy swilling beer on the next blanket. Yes my friend…the beach is calling you.

Since the birth of our kids over 30 years ago, my wife Sharon and I have attempted to make an annual summer pilgrimage to the Alabama gulf coast. We’ve only missed a few years when life events prevented us from getting around to it. We have so many wonderful memories of our times there and the photos to prove it.

But, having grown up in the Midwest, it took us awhile to catch on to the fundamentals of a good beach vacation. We made a lot of rookie mistakes. For example, making sure your glasses are fastened around your neck with a strap. There was the time my young son and I were playing in the shallow water, both wearing our glasses. My boy spotted a shell on the bottom and, facing the beach, stooped over to pick it up. At that moment, a huge wave gushed over his back, sweeping his glasses right off his head and into the rapidly moving waters. Suddenly unable to see anything clearly, he burst out crying and begged me to find his glasses.

So I did what any intelligent, quick thinking, mature adult father would do. I also bent over and peered into the surf, my back to the on-rushing current. Of course, the next huge wave tore my glasses off as well and sent them flying into the sea. There we stood. Both of us blind as a bat. No way we were going to find those glasses, which were well on their way to Mexico. Somewhere in Cancun there is a near sighted guy wearing my lenses.

There was the time I woke up early and decided to take a relaxing dip in the pool, before all the kids poured into it. I was the only one there. It was so peaceful and relaxing. I walked into water about shoulder high and just leaned on the sidewall, closing my eyes and rejoicing in the feel of the morning sun on my face and the pool around my body. When my arms got a bit tired from straddling the top of the pool wall, I let them slowly slide down my side. But when my hand got as far down as my swimsuit pocket, I felt something inside. It was my phone. Talk about a mood killer.

I also remember climbing into my inner tube and having a restful float, gently bouncing around in the waves about 30 feet off the shore. Eventually I opened my eyes and noticed myself surrounded by what looked like a bunch of ladies nylon stockings. I thought nothing of it until I climbed out of the water and discovered I was covered with small, red blotches. I would later learn this was my first encounter with jellyfish. That was a rough night.

One year we were driving down to Gulf Shores with our toddler daughter strapped in the back car seat when suddenly we sniffed that unmistakable odor that young parents know so well. Our little girl decided to have a diaper explosion that continued all over her seat, the rest of the car seat, and much of the beach gear we had piled up back there. It was so bad we had to pull over to the side of the freeway and make repairs. One nice family pulled over and asked if they could help. But how exactly do you respond in that situation?

We always rent the beach chairs and umbrellas and usually we have pretty good luck with the location being close to the water. But one year the cabana boy (is that what you would call them?) kept setting us up deep in the fourth or fifth row, our view mostly blocked by the umbrellas in front of us. When I finally questioned him about it, he said we were the only ones who had not payed in advance and he thought we were going to try to get away without paying. I didn’t know we were supposed to pay in advance. I hate it when you think you’re justifiably mad at somebody and then it turns out to be your fault.

Gradually even I learned the ropes of a successful beach vacation. Things like: Always stop for peach ice cream when you pass through Chilton County. Spend the extra money to get the ocean view. It’s no fun drinking your morning coffee while staring at the tennis court. Make sure you use sun block. I finally figured out what that SPF number means. The higher it is, the colder it feels when someone sprays it on your back.

And take plenty of pictures. How else are you going to rub it in to your land locked friends on Facebook?

Welcome friends to another edition of How To Be A Grandparent. I offer this series of posts as a public service, and also because my therapist recommends it. I base my expertise on the fact that I watched an entire episode on this topic on Dr. Phil. I have learned many insights, and some day may actually make use of them.

Today’s subject is spanking. If you debated whether to spank your own children, chances are you will have an even greater debate when it comes to your grandkids. After all, they are not YOUR children. Then again, they are often in YOUR care, dismantling YOUR keepsakes, and drawing stick men on YOUR bedroom walls with permanent marker.

At this point we need to define what is meant by the term “spank”. We are referring here to one stroke to the backside. This should not be confused with multiple strokes, usually referred to as a “butt whuppin”, “tanning your hide”, or the popular term from my childhood “being taken to the woodshed”. This method is not recommended, as your grandkids will get revenge when they are old enough to post about you on social media (usually about age three).

Since you only get one swipe at this, you must use this tactic judiciously and creatively. The following options are the most common:

The Warning Spank: This consists of giving a stern verbal warning to stop the behavior in question, followed by a very light tap on the rump. The goal is to get across the idea that the next one coming will be harder and more intense. This option doesn’t work well on kids still in diapers as they probably don’t even feel it.

The Countdown Spank: Very popular among parents, this method is growing in popularity among grandparents as well. You simply state to the child that if he doesn’t stop misbehaving by the time you get to 1, a spank is coming. Then you start counting backwards from five, getting louder with each number. The downside to this option is children often choose to roll the dice and call your bluff, forcing you to break down into fractions when you get to 2, or start at a higher number, like 25.

The Designated Spanker: One of the grandparents, usually the one who is not present at the moment, is designated as the enforcer, as in “if you don’t stop now, grandpa is going to spank you when you get home.” Unfortunately, most young children really have no sense of how long that will be and quickly lose the fear of it. Not to mention grandpa gets tired of his grandkids treating him like Darth Vader and hiding in the closet when he actually does get home.

The Misdirection Spank: This consists of warning the child they had better stop or they are going to get “one of these”. Whereupon you smack an object close to them, like an end table or a piece of furniture as hard as you can. Side effects of this method include injuries to small sensitive bones in the hand and fingers.

The Phantom Spank: This is similar to the Warning Spank, except you make sure the child sees you winding up and swinging forward with full force, only to stop just short of the target. The idea being the child will feel as though she has gotten a reprieve from God and will not risk that sort of misbehavior again. The life span of effectiveness of this technique is not long so it helps to put on your best “mad grandma” face and say things that are not true, such as “this will hurt me more than it does you”.

There are several other options to try but this should suffice for now. Try one or all of them the next time your little goombah gets into the pantry and empties an entire package of flour on your new sofa. One of them is sure to work, and if it does, please let me know.

Please.

Recently Sharon and I took part in a group tour of the Bible History Museum in LaGrange, Georgia. We saw replicas of homes, workplaces and worship centers during the time Jesus walked the earth. We learned some of the curious pagan traditions, rituals, beliefs and gadgets of that era, many of which seem silly to us today. We were even treated to a typical feast of the Bible era. Man, I don’t know how they survived without fried chicken and banana pudding.

On the bus ride home, I couldn’t help thinking that a thousand years from now, someone will create a 21st Century museum, where they will reproduce scenes from our time and try to explain our culture. So we take you now to the year 3019 where this blog post might go something like this:

“Greetings fellow droids. My carbon-based companion unit and I recently transported to a new attraction. It’s a 21st century museum! It’s located a few galaxies south so it was a long trip. Probably took at least 5 or 6 seconds and we were a little jet-lagged from that body cell re-integration but its well worth the journey to study this curious section of history.

The early 21st century was still the skin and bone era. Titanium bodies would not become the norm for another several hundred years. So these people were susceptible to disease and injury. They only lived about 70 to 100 years! Can you imagine? That’s not even long enough to travel to the Quatong quadrant for a sensory recharge! And they had funny names, like ‘Michael’ and ‘Susan’ and ‘Jason’, so weird-sounding compared to common names like XJ50695T32 (or XJ for short).

They had no nutrient shock waves to supply their feeding needs. They actually spent hours preparing and consuming an array of ‘foods’. The strangest part of this ritual is that the ‘food’ was damaging to their skin and bone bodies. It would bloat them up and cause them to malfunction. They knew this would happen but they did it anyway! There may be an explanation for this in one of their favorite expressions: ‘You only live once’. Haha! Those of us getting up there in our 7th and 8th life cycles can relate!

We saw artifacts of their ancient communication devices. I believe one of them was called ‘I-phone’. They had to type or speak into the device to get a message to someone. Must have taken several seconds. Makes you wonder what we did before telepathy chips. I know what you’re thinking (I mean I literally KNOW what you’re thinking). What a waste of time!

We saw ancient entertainment tools called ‘TV sets’. They would play stories of love, war and romance with occasional recitations of current events, most of which were quite depressing. There was nothing as funny and engaging as some of our current holograms like ‘Everybody Loves Meepzorp’ and ‘Milky Way’s Got Talent’.

We were taken to a re-creation of a tall, oval structure they called a ‘stadium’. Thousands of them would gather there to watch competitions where the object was to knock each other down and carry a ball to the end of a field, only then to give it back to the other team and then knock them down. Meanwhile the audience would shout things that didn’t make any sense, like ‘Rammer jammer yellow hammer’, or ‘Weagle weagle’.

Weirdest of all, the female of the species facilitated the reproduction process by actually carrying the baby in her body for nine months! The baby would then be delivered, skin and bone and all, with great pain and ‘labor’.
Whew! Sure am glad my 27 test tube daughters won’t have to endure that!

All in all it was a great tour. I highly recommend it. Now I have to wrap this up. My infant son VZ495621L is going to trip and fall in ten seconds.”